The UALR Uglification Project

Introduction

The University of Arkansas at Little Rock has a beautiful campus. The architecture of most buildings (other than a few 1960's travesties) is superb; the landscaping is exceptional for a college campus, including trees and above-ground drainage creeks that produce a park-like atmosphere.

But the fine arts building, in the tradition of post-modern, self-important, inaccessible abstraction, is surrounded by "sculptures" that detract rather than enhance the beauty of the campus.

This page is provided to interpret these works of art for the general public, in the spirit of the modern, egalitarian, everyone's-opinion-is-valid attitude. I do not know the real names of these pieces, nor do I know who made them. All of the "information" here is my own personal speculation.

Tired Clapping Wall

The most noticeable piece of art on campus is the Tired Clapping Wall (metal and paint). It is striking because it looks like a piece of junk dumped in the middle of a nice college campus. According to student Colette Hayes, this is a "salvaged piece of the Titanic." This sort of wishful thinking illustrates the reaction of the human mind to cognitive dissonance; i.e., the need to reconcile a big ugly hunk of metal sitting on an otherwise well-manicured campus.

If you are the kind of person who looks at art like this and immediately thinks it is a thinly veiled reference to obscene bodily functions, then please click away from this page now. I am trying to maintain a clean, family-friendly Web site, so how dare you see dirty stuff in my pictures!

Abstract Porcupine

The next work of art, Abstract Porcupine (metal sticks), was evidently a magnificent sculpture before it collapsed. Now the pieces are strewn about all willy-nilly, and the administration refuses to pay to pick them up. So they will sit until a pair of mech-warriors decide to give up their mortal grappling and play Pick-Up-Sticks.

Geometric Stall

Most of the students have never seen Geometric Stall even though it sits next to a high-traffic walkway. The mind has a way of filtering irrelevant details (known to Douglas Adams fans as SEPs, or Somebody Else's Problems). Consequently, we tend to ignore air-conditioning units and such. Unless you look directly at the Geometric Stall and think hard about it, and maybe squint a little, you will not notice it.

Is this art too?

Window Mistreatment

Perhaps there is some depressed student at UALR who walks around thinking "I'm the ugliest thing on campus." If you think that about yourself, then you are wrong. The ugliest thing on campus is Window Mistreatment (rust), commissioned by the University to be a gauntlet, challenging all would-be art majors. It stands guard at the fine arts building entrance shouting, "Only the stoutest of hearts need approach."

UALR's smooth facial complexion proudly features this puss-filled scab. Why would somebody do this? What kind of sick mind contemplates erecting junk-yard rejects like this in the middle of a populated (sophisticated even) campus? I would expect something like this from the psychology department (on a temporary basis, and only after the appropriate waivers are signed). But for this to come from "artists" is beyond belief.

If you are the person who created this, or if you know him or her, then please send me their e-mail address, so I can apologize for these uncalled-for mean comments. Thanks.

Millennium Dodo

As far as I can tell, there are no surfaces on the Millennium Dodo that will collect rain water. This is the only way to tell that an intelligent human mind directed its construction. Otherwise, it is just scrap metal fused together, which some kind-hearted soul could not bear to leave abandoned. No, they carefully built a brick pedestal and placed the metal upon it for all to see. Someday, it will fly away and all the children will be sad.

Pipework

My favorite sculpture near the fine arts building is Pipework (metal tube). Unlike the other art, this one is nice to look at, and it integrates harmoniously with the surrounding environment. Whoever designed and sculpted this piece should be commended for having superior imagination, taste, and skill.

Rustling Rust

If they ever catch the guy who vandalized the campus with this piece of art, I hope he gets 40 to life.